The Situationship Experience:🙃You weren't even together, so why does it hurt this much? 💔

Hey Lovelies, fall semester is fully underway, and I am back in my love class with 44 new and wonderful students. I thought I would start us off with a topic that I am already seeing in their work and reflections – situationships!

This study was just published in January and shares research insights on how people experience situationships. It’s a slightly longer email than normal, because I am taking a pause on writing up the full blog posts (to work on a new project). 

Instead, I am squeezing all I can in here, and it's still broken down into the same easy to skim format: research, breakdown, takeaways, and of course your love homework. I hope you enjoy this new abbreviated blog post format. 💌

Every semester, students talk about how frustrating it can feel being in a situationship, unsure of where they are headed or what it means.

Usually it starts the same way: "It’s not even a real relationship, so I don't know why I’m spending so much time agonizing over it." 🤔

There is no label and no conversation about where it's going. Just texting, maybe sleeping over, and a lot of guessing what comes next. And when it ends, there's often this expectation that you should be able to shrug it off, because nothing was ever official. 

But "not real" doesn't always match what students describe when they talk about situationships. 

A recent research study suggests that the experience of having serious feelings from an “unserious” relationship is pretty common. And y’all know I love research, so let’s dive in!

🧠 Research Breakdown

A team of Australian researchers interviewed 14 young adults (ages 19–25) who self-identified as having ‘situationship’ experience to learn about how they experience situationships. It was a small sample size, mostly heterosexual, and mostly Australian, but still insightful.

A few findings stood out:

1.) The inherent ambiguity of situationships creates confusion and often keeps things from evolving. Participants described situationships as a kind of "no man's land" between casual and committed, saying “it’s not just a sexual relationship, there’s more emotional investment, yet we aren’t together.” And without clear terms, many participants said they weren’t sure how accountable to be to their partners or what the trajectory was, were they building towards something or dead ends?

2.) Investment is rarely equal. In most situationships, participants reported one person building toward something while the other was just enjoying low-stakes company. The more invested person tended to become the one to initiate plans, check in, and wonder "what did I do wrong?" while the other person got closeness and connection without the same effort.

3.) Dating apps make commitment feel like a bad trade. Constant access to potential new matches creates a mindset researchers described as chasing the "jackpot," meaning even people who are happy can get stuck comparing their current person to unknown alternatives, which makes feeling fully satisfied with your current situationship difficult.

4.) The pain is real even when the relationship wasn't. This is the part that stood out most to me and reflected how many of my students talk about situationships. Participants said they felt they weren't allowed to be heartbroken, because they were never technically "together" or in a “real relationship.” They said friends and family sometimes couldn't grasp how much their connections mattered, which left them grieving something not even recognized as a real loss.

💡 Key Takeaways

Your pain doesn't need a label to be valid. If a connection mattered to you, took up space in your life, or shaped your week, that's real and nobody should get to downgrade your feelings just because there was no defined relationship status attached to them. *And if you haven’t been in a situationship, maybe this will give you a bit more empathy to those navigating them.

The researchers also found something else notable: participants largely agreed on what it would actually take for a situationship to become something more and that was 1.) clear communication, 2.) mutual commitment, and 3.) both people being genuinely emotionally available from early on.

So ambiguity isn't just an unavoidable law of modern dating. It's something you can name, question, and push back on if you're looking for something more, and the study suggests that experience is common enough that you're not alone in it.

It cuts both ways, though. If you're not looking for something more, that same clarity matters. Being upfront about not wanting serious commitment is just as important as asking for it, it's what lets both people actually get what they want instead of guessing.

❤️ Your Love Homework

Pick one this week:

• Don't let "needy" talk you out of asking. Clarity-seeking gets stigmatized, but the research suggests ambiguity usually benefits whoever's less invested. Asking where things stand isn't a red flag on you, it's you declining to do the emotional labor of guessing alone. And remember: if someone makes you feel small for asking, that says something about them, not about you.

• Track who's doing the emotional labor. Are you the one initiating every plan and every conversation about "us"? Compare that pattern against what your partner is actually contributing. That balance is data that can help guide your decisions.

• Study the couples and friends around you who have the kind of clarity you are looking for. What do they do differently when things get uncertain? Use that as a reference point going forward, not something to feel behind on.

  
  

And here's one thing to do with someone else: talk to another friend who's currently in the "are we or aren't we" fog. Compare what you're each noticing. Half the value of research like this is having language for something you've felt but not named, and then being able to use that language. And that is often easier to work through out loud than alone. 

Cheering you on always,

Professor Stonecipher 💛

P.S. Feel free to add your own questions, comments, updates, or insights. I always love hearing from y'all.